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The White House is looking into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan calls for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but no matter how much it has changed, marriage is a vital cog in our societal machine. Dating's fine, living together is great, but anyone who's truly in love eventually looks at their partner and thinks, "I want to cut down on having sex with this person and get on their insurance plan."

Are marriages failing, or are people simply living longer and finding that they can't stay with the same person for that long? The answer is, marriages are failing. You know your marriage is in trouble when your wife starts wearing the wedding ring on her middle finger. Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an etch-a-sketch.

Until recently, television was notorious for romanticizing bachelor-hood, while making vague insinuations about the sexuality of the "unattached woman." Magnum, P.I., got more different ass than a rental car, while Laverne actually had an 'L' sewn onto her sweater.

Seems like every wedding nowadays has to be a "themed" wedding. There's period-costume weddings. Elvis weddings. Fairy Tale weddings. Weddings so unbelievably complicated and elaborate, the only way you can tell who's actually getting married is to find the couple that's fucking in the coatroom and ask them who they're the Best Man and Maid of Honor for.

If you want to truly understand how complex marriage has become, simply ask the people on the front lines: the ones who make up the wedding invitations. They are constantly trying to skirt around the gender, age and parental issues and still get paid: "Mona Johnson and her life partner Brianne invite you to the wedding of their son Lars and his lover Oswaldo, with the blessing of their surrogate daughter Quan, where they will be married by their Shaman, Ali Ben Shapiro, in Carlsbad Caverns on the eve of the Summer Solstice, to be followed by an all-Vegan Luau, featuring the music of two members of Kansas. Dress: Casual Friday meets 80's disco. No furs. The couple is registered at Nordstrom and Zach's House of Knobby Dildoes."

While straight couples have been breaking their vows for years, gay couples are still fighting to gain that right. Gay unions are now legal in a state like Vermont, but they are not having much luck in the South, where there are strict rules, which forbid getting married unless you are heterosexual, fourteen or "kin". Hey, folks, truth be told, gays have been getting married for a long, long time... Just not to each other.

I once went to a lesbian wedding ceremony between my wife's former hair stylist, a lovely thirty-year-old woman, and her partner, a very hot dental hygienist in her mid-twenties. The wedding itself was small and simple. The reception was warm and friendly. And from what I could see from my surveillance hammock in the branches of a tree high outside the third floor of the Laguna Beach Hilton, the wedding night was not nearly kinky enough.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

The difficult thing about marriage for men is that they know they shouldn't get married unless they're mature, but they feel they can't become mature unless they get married. I'm not sure I know what the answer is, other than, I would caution you to not fuck the stripper at your bachelor party.

But guys should never whine about marriage, because guys are no prize, especially when we get older. I was at the post office last week, and standing in front of me was some guy in his mid-seventies. He was wearing a powder blue polyester shirt more pilled than a nightstand at Graceland, and dusted with so much dandruff, I was torn between gagging and placing "Christmas Village" figurines on his shoulders. He was also wearing a nylon mesh ball cap with the phrase "Ask Me About My Prostate" on it and off-white slacks with a white belt and a large pee spot somehow near the knee. And you wanna know the most shocking part of his ensemble? He was wearing a wedding ring. The one that I placed on his finger a scant two years ago. I love you, pappy!

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.


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