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Poor Bill Clinton. Well it’s his fault. Who the hell would want that job anyway? You know what the problem with the presidency is? We only pay the guy \$250,000 bucks a year. You know even NBA white guys make more than that. Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but what is to become of our beloved presidency? And I don’t mean the Clinton presidency, because you know he’s gonna survive this. Clinton’s ass is 90% super-ball. OK. And the harder he falls on it, the higher he bounces. Christ, even Jason looks at Clinton and says, "I can’t believe this son-of-a-bitch is still alive." President Clinton’s popularity is through the roof. All right, some of it is stuck on the ceiling. But it is through the roof. Partly because we like the job he’s doing, and partly because most Americans view those numb nuts in the Senate and the glass House of Representatives like they’re the uptight frat guys from Animal House.

To me, the most interesting revelation to come out of this whole affair is that after a year in which the entire executive branch was supposedly hamstrung, the American people have gotten along very nicely without it thank you. Our founding fathers could never have predicted the absolute stability of this rudderless ship of state. Oh and by the way, we have to stop viewing the presidency through the rose garden colored glasses of the constitution, OK. Quit beating me over the head with this rolled up 200-year-old things-to-do list. Yeah, some of its great and some of its just antiquated bullshit, OK. Listen, if Thomas Jefferson were alive today and you drove him out to Washington National Airport in a BMW 700 Series and put him on the Concord and gave him a laptop and a cell phone to fool around with for the three and one half hour flight to Europe. And then told him we were still running the country strictly according to the precepts that he and his friends scribbled on a cocktail napkin once at a party in 1787. Well do you think Jefferson wouldn’t look at you in disbelief and say, "What the fuck are you thinking?" Flip it over. See it says right there "feel free to change this every couple of centuries or so asshole."

Look the office of the president has always functioned much like a frilly toothpick on a deli sandwich. It serves no nutritional purpose, but it looks good and holds things together. For better or for worse, a president embodies the sentiment and spirit of his time. And Clinton? Yeah, OK, compared to Clinton, eels are Velcro. But, reprehensible as he is, we identify with him. Clinton’s insatiable need to be loved, constantly undermined by his own self-destructive tendencies, is a larger-than-life parallel to our own inner turmoil. Ironically enough it’s now we who feel his pain. In the near term what will happen to the presidency depends on who we put into office. If we elect Al Gore, the president will be a dull ineffectual figurehead from Tennessee. On the other hand, if we elect George Bush, Jr. the president will be a dull ineffectual figurehead from Texas. See that’s why it’s so vitally important that you vote. Because the letters after the T in the state they come from start to get different. Hey, the presidency is not supposed to be a Crisco orgy. But it’s also not a platform for canonization either, OK. It’s a job. And up until recently, it was one job that respectable public servants might aspire to. And until we stop putting the chief executives personal life under more scrutiny than Tyra Banks in a tybo class, the prospective pool of qualified applicants is going to be shallower than Jennifer Love Hewitt reciting some of her own poetry at the Virgin Mega Store Café alright.

Look folks, I hate to burst anybody’s patriotic bubble, but there are no heroes anymore. The times we live in won’ t allow them. The very process of running for the presidency is so debasing its guaranteed to squash whatever noble or idealistic impulses a candidate is naïve enough to entertain in the first place. I look at presidents the same way I look at the guy who trims my hedges. All I ask is that he does his job, doesn’t rip me off or stare too long at my wife, that’s it OK. I think if the next president is to learn anything from this whole episode, its that he should be totally forthcoming with whatever dark secret he harbors thereby completely defanging the rabid pack of partisan watchdogs nipping at his heels. You know, at this point, I really believe that our entire nation actually would deify the first president who steps up to a podium, looks dead into a television camera and says, "Folks, she blew me. As a matter of fact, she’s blowin’ me right now. But enough about me, let’s talk about cutting yo…uh…eh…uh…you’re taxes." Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.


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