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All right, lets put our cards on the table. We got a dicey little subject this week: Sexual Harrassment. Now, its pretty easy for me to come out here week after week to do some high concept screed about how, for instance, I think violence is bad...oh, well, thank you Dr. Insight ! But this week were crotch-deep in a good old-fashioned quandary, arent we? The age old battle of the sexes situated in the Circus Maximus of the workplace. Look, I should tell you right up front that while I'm sure many of you think of me as the world's most insightful hermaphrodite, I am in fact a guy. So I ...so I have to confess that my first thoughts on this issue were well, it can't be all that bad, can it? Certainly a lot of these cases have to be trumped up, dont they? But then I flashed on the fact that much of what goes through my head is shot through the dick prism

You know, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but what do I really know about what it's like to have some fat, foul-breathed, ham-handed boss leaning over your shoulder while you type or laying his hands on your waist while you fax something? I have no idea about how it feels to have some leering, pawing, needy co-worker breathing down your cleavage while you try to keep the best job available in a small town without much opportunity so that you can put your kids in clothes without the help of a deadbeat ex-husband; that has got to be brutal . So all I can say, is to be really honest with you and myself about what I have observed in my forty years of dragging a penis around this pebble we call Earth (laughs). And that is this; I think men more often than not are probably guilty of a lot of the shit that they are being accused of. From my observations, a lot of guys act so badly and so stupidly with women in nightclubs and at the beach and on the street, I know that if they got some occupational leverage they would probably use it as a come-on.

Why are men like that? Well, because over the years men have written the rule book...not all men, sit down, Donahue . But many men have written the rule book that says its OK to look the other way when certain members of the male herd squeeze, pinch, and demean women. Well now the rules are finally being rewritten and as men and women go through this period of readjustment the bad behavior is coming back to haunt us, isn't it? Because nowadays were hearing more and more stories of men being accused of sexual harassment and instantaneously presumed guilty until proven innocent. But just because MANY men are guilty it is dangerous to jump to the conclusion that ALL men are guilty. All right, now that we understand our game, lets introduce tonights dualists; Jones vs. Clinton in the Board of Education building . Do I think something happened between them? I most certainly do; he's a powerful man who also happens to be a tenth degree horndog (laughs and applause) and you know something I think most of you will agree once you get beyond all this faux patriotic rebob about besmirching the Presidency with tawdry accusations, the fact is Bill Clinton probably achieved emeritus status in the Players club while governor of the state of Arkansas . There is too much rumor, too much innuendo, and just enough evidence; bottom line, folks, where there's smoke, there's friction.

You know, Stephanopoulos must be feeling like the guy that Louis B. Mayer assigned to accompany Erryl Flynn around town. Georgie-boy has become a sexual Red Adere and it appears our good president was sinking a whole lot of wells in the mid-80s . Having said that, do I think he sexually harassed Paula Jones? Hard to say and here's why: she did in fact receive several salary increases after the incident. Whatever cheesy chicanery went down in that hotel room it doesn't seem to have affected her wage-earning ability. I also think that it undermines her case a tad that it seems to be so much about the MONEY. Seven hundred thousand dollars? How'd they arrive at that figure, what's that, a hundred K per inch ? You know something, theres a fair to midland chance that old P.J. is a big-haired opportunist propped up by small-minded politically thwarted enemies of the President. Now having said that the sexual harassment charge might be suspicious; do I think that Paula Jones might have been compromised by the clumsy, sophomoric sexual advances of a presumptuous Huey not-so-Long type lording his power over a backwoods empire: yes I do .

Do I think that Paula Jones could have been embarrassed by the highest elected official in her state doing a Lurch impression with his Dockers down around his ankles : yes I do. But I would say this to Paula Jones; the next time a man drops his chinos in front of you, look him in the eye and say Listen, you silly son of a bitch, pull your pants up and start thinking with your big head for a change, OK pal? Look, nobody wants to make light of the serious crime against women that men commit far too often; but isnt that what frivolous complaints like Paula Jones are doing? We've gotta get clear with each other on how our respective gender tribes wield sexuality in this culture. Because some of this stuff should be a no-groiner.

Here are some guidelines: to the women who are ready to haul the bagboy at the

Safeway into court because he complimented you on your culottes , take the extra second and try to differentiate the innocuous from the malicious. And all the men who don't get the fact that when she says no she means no, well I'm telling you Quest-for-Fire-boy, she means NO , OK? Its over. Pack up your encyclopedias and go knock on the next fucking door . Let me also advance the following immodest proposal so we can all get on with our goddamn lives: I think we should pour all our time, energy, and know-how into genetically engineering a third sex that we can both fuck indiscriminately and never feel the need to phone the next morning. We could call them...recepticants! And they would heal the world.

And while this solution may seem silly, its no sillier than what were doing now; which is a tentative sexual two-step in which neither partner wants to lead, neither partner wants to follow, and everybody's feet are getting stepped on.

Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong


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