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OJ Simpson - on his way to England to speak. He said "England is very similar to America except they have their low-speed chases on the other side of the road over there." Things are a little bit different over there: Trucks are ‘Lorreys’ , elevators are ‘Lifts’, and OJ Simpson ....’is a double murderer’.

Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here but it’s about time to put the bronco in reverse and take a long slow look back at the trial of the century. Since October 3rd, 1995 the verdict in the OJ Simpson trial has reverberated in America’s consciousness like the last cord of "A day in the life" played on a perpetual tape loop inside a squash court. No amount of psychic sorbet seems to be able to be able to cleanse our collective palate of the nasty taste left by L’affair Simpson. It lingers as stubbornly and unpleasantly as a drunken party guest, passed out on the couch, with an open bottle of Hi-Karate in his pocket. The questions that it’s raised nag at us like Norman Bates’ mom on a rainy sunday. The Simpson jury didn’t really hand down their decision, more like it pulled its pin and lobbed it at us. When the verdict was read people did more double-takes than professor Irwin Corey at a Hawaiin Tropic competition.

And what have we learned from the trial? Now that we’ve chewed it over like Bob Dole gumming a wad of month-old salt water taffy? Well, we’ve learned that the only way you’ll ever get at trial by a jury of your peers in this country is if you happen to be ill-informed and pre-disposed. I think some of these people made their minds up before the murder even happened! We also learned that if you’re a black lawyer and you take a case prosecuting a black man for a crime that you know in your heart that he commited, well that automatically makes you a sellout to your race. And we learned that if you’re convicted wife-beater it’s OK to disgrace your dead spouse’s memory by giving sworn testimony in a deposition where you say (use whining tone of voice) "She hit me first". We also learned that empirical evidence doesn’t seem to matter anymore. The sea of blood on the killer’s hands and bronco was so deep that it had its own undertow. The evidence was more overwhelming that a New York City taxi in August with all the windows shut. And how did ‘team OJ’ combat this K2 sized mountain of proof ? Well, the defense’s stradegy involved more smoke and mirrors than a tire fire in a brothel.

Well, you know something - they DIDN’T convince me because even if you martinize away all the blood, you’re still left with a womanizing, wife-beating, egotistical, drug-using, posessive bully and just for that I think he should be locked away tighter than Gordon Elliot’s cumberbund at the 37th annual daytime emmy awards!

You know, I blame alot of what happened at the trial on Lance Ito.

A judge is supposed to control a trial, but Ito had about as much control of the room as Kathie Lee Gifford singing "You Light Up My Life" at the Apollo Theater ! Oh well, it’s gone, Ito’s gone, there’s a new ringmaster now. The circus has died down but hasn’t completely pulled out of the station. OJ Simpson is currently embroiled in a wrongful death civil suit which could eat up whatever money he’s got left from the last trial that his jackals for the defense didn’t make off with. The videotape he was hawking netted about as much as the Philly cheese steak concession at a K.D. Lange concert. His lame attempts at reviving his lagging career and his destroyed credibility are as transparent as a Vargas girl’s nightgown. And so , what’s an OJ to do? Hey, that book he wrote where he was supposed to answer people’s questions did pretty well, maybe he could write an advice column called "Dear Stabby". You know, at this point it almost doesn’t seem to matter to anyone anymore that OJ did it - it’s become just another punch line. He plotted it, he planned it, he worked out all the timing, his escape route, his alibi, and the only unscheduled stumbling blocks he had to improvise around were Kato wanting to go talk to the big clown, and Ron Goldman wanting not to die! But like he once did with linebackers who stood between him and the end-zone OJ got by them. In the words of the NFL films announcer: "On that warm June day a fierce warrior had a mission. That warrior was Orenthal James Simpson. A man possesed, a man who was not to be denied. He pulled a fancy stutter-step on Kato then he squared his shoulders and ran right over Ron Goldman. Penalty flags were thrown, but upon further review the referees in black & white striped shirts turned out to be referees in white shirts and referees in black shirts."

I freely admit to feeling cheated that OJ Simpson didn’t get life for his crimes. That he probably will never be brought to his arthritic knees. I assauage my anger by reassuring myself that he will never again elicit the respect and admiration of reasonable people. That he’ll always be whispered about like some latter-day Hester Prynne wearing an "M" instead of an "A". And that he will always be surrounded by back-slappers, sycophants, ass-kissing golfing buddies, and coke whores who are looking to thrill-fuck a murderer. Hey, you know what folks? I think he DID get life. Yeah he did. You’re our "bitch" now OJ. Of course that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong........

But of course he’s not. And that’s MY opinion !


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