You know, we have windmills here in California, but we use them for miniature golf. Europeans seem to have little sympathy for our current energy woes. Hey, who needs Europe, anyway. I always find it a little grating when Germany refers to us as "power-hungry."

Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the debate between environmentalists and energy advocates in this country shows no sign of abating, and as a matter of fact, is only getting more confusing. I mean, you've got to love the philosophical clusterfuck that is a bicycle rack on a Lincoln Navigator.

And this battle will no doubt be waged for years and years to come, largely because it's fuelled by America's most plentiful natural resource: narrow-minded self-righteous indignation.

The state of California is currently bearing the brunt of the energy crisis, with rolling blackouts across the state affecting vital services like hospitals, resulting in countless lopsided boob jobs. For the love of God, will the horror never end???????

Our problem is, we don't have enough power plants in our state because with every site allotted for one, someone finds a reason to stop it. Hey, you want to block a power plant because it might interfere with a migratory path for albino duck gerbils? I simply can't go along with that. We have to prioritize and decide what's really important here, people. You want to see animals thrive in their natural habitat? Go to the San Diego Zoo. I'm trying to microwave some popcorn over here.

I mean, maybe I'm in the minority with this, but my ideal vision of the world is where the only remaining species are somewhat literate human beings and small, well-mannered Beagles wearing little top hats and bow ties.

Let's cut to the chase. The oil companies want to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. But the environmentalists say it places in jeopardy a prime breeding ground for Alaskan Caribou. Great, so now I have to pay four dollars a gallon just so Donner and Blitzen can get their rocks off. I say we don't touch the oil reserves and just invent a car that runs on endangered species. Yeah, put a tiger in your tank. Literally.

If we are to maintain our position as a world power, we must dedicate ourselves to finding acceptable alternatives to fossil fuels. Wind power and solar power are clean, cheap, safe, renewable sources of energy, which, I believe, will be widely utilized as soon as someone figures out how to establish a price-gouging monopoly on them.

All kidding aside, I'm actually a big proponent of using alternative energy. As a matter of fact, at this very moment, every single watt of electricity in my home is being provided by an alternative energy source: a low-cost, underground shunt-wire that my brother-in-law David has tapped into my next door neighbor's fuse-box.

Now we're supposed to buy disposable diapers that are environmentally friendly, diapers that break down more readily when placed in landfills. Hey, should there ever come a time when I'm wearing a disposable diaper, fuck you, fuck the planet, fuck everything.

As I've said, at my house, everyone is aware of the energy crisis, and we all pitch in to do our part. For example, I never use the twin Boeing 747 engines I bought to run my Dancing Waters Lagoon while running my Bumper Boats at the same time. That just wouldn't be fair to others.

Another way I do my part is going down to the ride-share station in my neighborhood and inviting a complete stranger to get inside my car, so we can qualify for the carpool lane. It shaves about forty-five minutes off my commute, and sometimes, if I'm lucky, the stranger will hold a gun to my head and force me to blow him. You see? Saving the planet doesn't have to be all drudgery!

You know, I may pretend not to care about what happens thousands of miles away in a place I'll probably never see. But I know that all of life is deeply interconnected and interdependent in a symbiotic, primal dance. That a butterfly beating its wings in the African bush can dislodge a particle of dust that makes a monkey sneeze, which startles a herd of gazelle into stampeding, causing a rockslide down a hill which dams up a stream and floods it, creating moisture which evaporates and cools the air, which rushes into the hot air above it, becoming a cyclone, which whirls out to sea and joins up with other storm clouds, forming an enormous raging squall that travels thousands of miles across the ocean, disrupting electromagnetic fields and making my cell phone cut out. Fuckin' butterflies.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.


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